i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
