An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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