In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
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Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
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Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
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