Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Randomize
