Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
