Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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