I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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