so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
