I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
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