The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
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When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
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At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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