i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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