she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
