a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
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