I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.