There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
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No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
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ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.