Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.