Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too