i just wanna soil my oats bro
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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