Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
We had to coat check the pizza.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
