I'm laying in your front yard are you home
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
