3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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