Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
So squirting runs in the family.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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