she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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