the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
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