i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
