end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
