I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
