There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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