she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
How's work?
Spinning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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