his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
