You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
