It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
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While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
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lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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