He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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