totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
