I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
