just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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