Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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