I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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