i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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