just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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