ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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