dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.