So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize