2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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