Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
