Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
