I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
