Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
