oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
