omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
