Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
