I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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