But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
