i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
