Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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