whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
