you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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