Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
