just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
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