I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
